******************************************************************************** HHH HHH UUU UUU HHH HHH HHH HHH UUU UUU HHH HHH The Text File That Makes No Sense HHHHHHHHH UUU UUU HHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHH UUU UUU HHHHHHHHH Assembled by Sakurambo HHH HHH UUUUUUUUU HHH HHH jsteadma@gac.edu HHH HHH UUUUU HHH HHH.txt m01/08/2001 ******************************************************************************** 64. YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN DEATH TAKES A LIKING TO YOUR SHOES. 63. I'M APATHETIC AND THAT'S *FINAL*, DAMMIT! 62. APPLES *KILL* PHYSICISTS. EAT A BANANA. 61. THIS PROGRAM WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY BRAINSAW COFFEE, AVAILABLE AT FINE GROCERY STORES EVERYWHERE. BECOME A BRAINSAW ZOMBIE TODAY! 60. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, EXCEPT YOUR SOUL. 59. CHANSEYS LIKE TO DRINK SODA, AND THEN EAT THE CANS. WE'RE NOT SURE WHY. THIS MAKES THEM GREAT COMPANIONS ON LONG NIGHTS WEB SURFING. 58. HAH! AMERICANS! WE WILL EVENTUALLY PURCHASE YOUR ENTIRE NATION AND USE THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL FOR TOFU STORAGE! 57. TV ROTS YOUR BRAIN. EDUCATION DEVELOPS IT. THEREFORE, PBS IS WORTHLESS. 56. IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SELL YOUR SOUL IN A NANOSECOND! 55. WARNING ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH HANDS OR GENITALS." 54. WHAT EXACTLY *IS* THIS "AMERICAN WAY" THAT SUPERMAN'S SO OBCESSED WITH? 53. SOMETIMES I LIKE TO LAY DOWN AT ALL THE STARS IN THE NIGHT SKY IN THEIR WONDER AND THEN SAY TO MYSELF OUT LOUD, "WHERE THE HELL IS THE CEILING?!" 52. EAT FUGU AND DIE. 51. IF YOU ADD A SPOONFUL OF WINE TO A BARREL FULL OF SEWAGE, YOU GET SEWAGE. IF YOU ADD A SPOONFUL OF SEWAGE TO A BARREL FULL OF WINE, YOU GET SEWAGE. 50. JUST BECAUSE THEY MADE IT UP DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT TRUE. 49. OF ALL THE THINGS I'VE LOST, I MISS MY MIND THE MOST. 48. ALL THE WORLD'S A CAGE, AND THE PEOPLE IN IT MERELY PRISONERS. 47. ALL MAMMALS HAVE HAIR. WHALES ARE MAMMALS. THEREFORE, WHALES HAVE HAIR. SHAVE THE WHALES. 46. THERE'S THE RULE, AND THEN THERE'S THE REALITY. 45. LOVE IS BLIND. GOD IS LOVE. THEREFORE, RAY CHARLES IS GOD. 44. ONE DOES NOT GET VERY FAR IN LIFE IN JAPAN WITHOUT LEARNING HOW TO DEAL WITH BIG ROBOTS! 43. BEING BEHIND THE CAMERA MEANS BEING OUT OF THE PICTURE. 42. ALL THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN PSYCHOKINESIS RAISE MY HAND. 41. IF EVERYONE ELSE JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE, WOULD YOU BE THE ONE THEY WERE FOLLOWING? 40. GIVING UP IS FOR WIMPS. 39. DESPITE THE COST OF LIVING, HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW IT REMAINS SO POPULAR? 38. THE VENGEANCE OF HEAVEN IS CRUNCHY... AND GOOD WITH KETCHUP. 37. THE SECT OF THE HANGING TEN WILL FREE YOU FROM CARNAL THOUGHTS AND LIFT YOU INTO THE NIRVANA OF THE PERFECT WAVE. 36. IS THERE ANYTHING IN IT? IN WHAT? WE ARE ALL DOOMED? OH YES, SURE -- IT'S CALLED THE SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS. 35. MY JOY WOULD BE COMPLETE, DEAR, IF ONLY YOU WERE HERE, BUT I STILL KEEP YOUR HAND AS A PRECIOUS SOUVENIER. 34. IF YOU DON'T GET THE PRESIDENT ON THE PHONE RIGHT AWAY, YOU'RE GOING TO ANSWER TO THE COCA-COLA COMPANY! 33. SIGN ON A PAWN SHOP WINDOW: "HIGHLY RECCOMMENDED BY OWNER." 32. LET THE NOODLES BOIL OVER MEDIUM HEAT, STIR IN THE CONTENTS OF THE SAUCE PACKET AND SIMMER. 31. NO HUNTING OR TRESPASSING, SURVIVORS WILL BE PROSECUTED. 30. SHOCKING PROOF OF DEATH AFTER LIFE! NEW STUDIES CONFIRM THAT LIGHT AT THE END OF TUNNEL IS INDEED A TRAIN. 29. FOR IF KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, THEN A GOD AM I. 28. YOU EAT WITH HASHI AND I'LL EAT WITH HASHI AND WE'LL EAT WITH HASHI AS SOON AS WE FIND OUT WHAT HASHI IS. 27. OCCUPANCY OF THIS PHONE BOOTH BY MORE THAN 152 STUDENTS IS EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED. 26. IF YOU GO TO HELL FOR A VACATION SIMPLY BECAUSE YOUR JOB ACTUALLY MAKES HADES LOOK ATTRACTIVE, THEN PERHAPS YOU SHOULD CONSIDER A CHANGE OF CAREER. 25. LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT. 24. HOW MANY BOARDS COULD THE MONGULS HOARD IF THE MONGUL HOARDE GOT BORED? 23. YOU CANNOT LOOSEN A MAN'S TONGUE WITH ROOT BEER. 22. AM I A BUTTERFLY DREAMING I'M A MAN, OR A BOWLING BALL DREAMING I'M A PLATE OF SASHIMI? NEVER ASSUME WHAT YOU SEE AND FEEL IS REAL! 21. HOW DOES THE GUY WHO DRIVES THE SNOWPLOW GET TO WORK IN THE MORNING? 20. NORMAL'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THAT YOU ARE NOT. 19. MAX WEIGHT 12000 LBS. ANYONE EXCEEDING THIS WEIGHT DOES SO AT THEIR OWN RISK. 18. IF YOU THINK THERE'S GOOD IN EVERYONE... YOU HAVEN'T MET EVERYONE! 17. THERE'S AN INVERSE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HOW GOOD SOMETHING IS FOR YOU, AND HOW MUCH FUN IT IS. 16. IF YOU QUESTION THE DARKNESS, LIGHT WILL ANSWER. 15. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO *YOU*, OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE! 14. IT'S TOO EARLY FOR MORNING... BUT I CAME ANYWAY! 13. HERE COME THE FORTUNE COOKIES. HERE COME THE FORTUNE COOKIES. THEY'RE WEARING PAPER HATS! 12. OBVIOUSLY EVIL, STEADMAGONIKKA, FLAMING SQUIRRELS, SMILING POLITELY, FLIGHT OF PHANCY, JOURNEY'S END, MOSTLY HARMLESS, DEAD MEAT ROTTING ON A STICK, MILENNIUM, DAY OF DESTRUCTION, END OF AN ERA, ABIOGENESIS, BULLET TRAIN TO HECK, ORANGUTAN, 1999, CARNIVORE, REVOLUTION, QUAKE, BLUE FANG. 11. BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL! 10. ONE SEVENTH OF YOUR LIFE IS SPENT ON MONDAY. 9. DON'T BLOW AN ARTERY. 8. NEW TITLE FOR "KING KONG": "BEAT, BEAT, BEAT UPON A FORLORN HAIRY CHEST WITH THY VENGEFUL FISTS OF CIVILIZED INHUMANITY AND RECIEVE IN RETURN A SHATTERED JUNGLE SOUL WHOSE NAME IS 'EVERYAPE'" 7. QUESTION EVERYTHING. LEARN SOMETHING. ANSWER NOTHING. 6. THE WHITE ZONE IS FOR LOADING AND UNLOADING ONLY. 5. IF YOU'RE THE MAN WHO HAS TO BUY PHENOMINALLY EXPENSIVE ANTICANINE SHIELDS THAT ARE ALMOST ALWAYS DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR WHENEVER YOU WANT TO TAKE FIDO FOR A WALK, THEN WHY DON'T YOU SAVE YOURSELF A LOT OF WEAR, TEAR, AND MONEY BY SHOOTING THE DOG? 4. KORA YOOKAI, NANI GA YOOKAI? 3. FLIGHT 101: A THOROUGH COURSE IN THE ART OF THROWING YOURSELF AT THE GROUND AND MISSING. 2. *************** | -=#=- =====| THE ELEVENTEENTH REICH, AIDED BY THE KLINGON EMPIRE, | \==='~ | HAS JUST OPENED A NEW CHAIN OF COFFEE SHOPS IN | Star Trek ! | LOS ANGELES. *************** 1. FOOLS! WE WILL DEFEAT YOU! AND TAKE YOUR CARBONATED NONALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES! ***************************************************************************** SOURCES: 64. Six String Samurai 63. Arguing In Corners For Fun And Profit 62. Sidewalk Banana Campaign 61. Godineed Sleep 60. Landover Baptist 59. Chanseys With Chainsaws 58. Dave Barry Does Japan 57. TV Glurk! 56. Sluggy Freelance 55. The Doomed Human Race 54. J.M. Steadman 53. NaughtyNu 52. Zark-offs for Otaku 51. The Book of Murphology 50. Plan 10 From Outer Space 49. Ozzy Osbourne 48. The Truth 47. Dogbert 46. J.M. Steadman 45. Richard Jenni 44. Paul the Samurai 43. Nierock's Book of Ambiguous Truths 42. Envelope Submissions 41. Game Shark 40. J.M. Steadman 39. The Spanish Wolfhat 38. Salomon Farin 37. Urusei Yatsura 36. Arcadia 35. Tom Leher 34. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb 33. Sign on a pawn shop window 32. Ramen instructions 31. Sign on a fencepost 30. Tabloid 29. Batman Forever 28. Nihongo Club chant 27. Sign on a campus phone booth 26. The Tome of Worthless Wisdom 25. Shampoo Instructions 24. Calvin and Hobbes 23. Deep Space Nine 22. Chrono Trigger 21. Cracked Magazine 20. Star Trek Generations 19. Sign on a bridge 18. Cracked Magazine 17. Calvin and Hobbes 16. The Dagger of Kamui 15. Otaku no Video 14. Roland Frakes 13. The Secret of Evermore 12. Strange Bands 11. Calvin and Hobbes 10. Cracked Magazine 9. Final Fantasy VI 8. Mad Magazine 7. Engineers' Motto 6. The Secret of Evermore 5. The Tome of Worthless Wisdom 4. Urusei Yatsura 3. Life, the Universe, and Everything 2. C-64 Scenarios 1. Variations on Stupid Advertising ****************************************************************************** Got any worthless wisdom? Send it to Sak! J.M. Steadman (Sakurambo) jsteadma@gac.edu ******************************************************************************