Edward Murto
April 12, 1994

Urusei Yatsura: Earth Customs

Sugoi sat on the ground in the park. She was performing terrible violence 
on a daisy, all the while repeating, "He loves me. He loves me a lot. He 
loves me..." and so on. 

Cherry approached Sugoi to get a better view of this curious display. He 
coughed to get her attention. "My dear," he began, "perhaps I could be of 
service in the instruction of an Earth custom."

Sugoi looked up with interest. She was eager to pick up any Earth customs 
she could to make herself more desirable for her "dumpling." She waited 
patiently for Cherry's instruction.

Cherry cleared his throat. He was quite pleased that he had found such a 
willing student. There could be many matters of great wisdom that he could 
impart on this one. "You are performing a very important and ancient Earth 
custom designed to better understand the motion of the fates in the 
matters of love."

Sugoi nodded attentively. 

"Knowing the designs of the fates will surely make you successful in 
whatever you do, however, you have the incantation wrong. It is not 'He 
loves me. He loves me a lot.' It is 'He loves me. He loves me not.'"

Sugoi's eyes opened wide with fear. She looked down at her mutilated daisy 
and then back up at Cherry again. "Loves me not?" she said under her 
breath, as if they were the most terrible words that she had ever heard. 
She considered this for a second, and then smiled and giggled a little. 
She turned away from Cherry, and devoted herself more fully to her daisy. 
"He loves me. He loves me a lot," she repeated, continuing the 
petal-ectomy.

Cherry lowered his head, said a prayer, and turned away.

Sugoi watched him go out of the corner of her eye. "What a silly man," she 
thought. "loves me not? How absurd?" Suddenly, she felt a twinge in the 
air. It was a very familiar twinge. It had a definite air of pomposity. 
Sugoi squealed in delight, dropped her horribly mangled daisy, and flew 
off to find her whole purpose of being. 

* * *

Megane, in another area of the park was simultaneously, clandestinely 
following the movements of Lum and Ataru, and keeping on the look out for 
super-sonic tiger stripes heading in his direction.

He was unsuccessful on both counts. Lum eventually flew off, carrying 
Ataru with her, and as Megane was damning his luck on that score, arms 
wrapped themselves around his neck at such speed that he was nearly pulled 
down. Sugoi used her momentum to swing herself around to face him. "Hello, 
Manju-sama! Did you miss me? " She then proceeded to hug the stuffing out 
of him. "Can we get married now?"

Megane worked to wrench himself free. "That really would not be 
appropriate," he said.

"Appropriate?" Sugoi asked.

"Yes," Megane said, straightening his glasses. "On Earth, we have customs 
about getting married. We have to wait until we are a certain age."

"A certain age?" Sugoi asked innocently, quite sure that she was going to 
hear about another Earth custom that she wouldn't like.

"Yes, one should at least have graduated school before getting married. 
Have you graduated?"

"No," Sugoi admitted sheepishly.

"There you are. You wouldn't want me to break an important Earth customs, 
would you? When you have graduated from school, then it might be 
different, but I think for today we had best leave off this discussion of 
marriage for a more appropriate time. On Earth, it is important to wait 
for such important matters." Megane was about to continue his speech 
moving to the importance of patience and restraint when he was unnerved by 
a gleeful smile on Sugoi's face.

"When I graduate, then we can get married?" She asked.

Megane turned, looking absently out into the great unknown of long 
speeches and unfinished thoughts and began, "Yes, I think then we could 
consider such a possibility. Of course, for someone your age that will be 
some years down the road." He turned back to face Sugoi, but she was no 
longer there. She had waited for the word 'yes,' and had immediately flown 
off. She had work to do. She was a Oni with a mission. For Megane's part, 
he was quite sure that he had at last purchased himself a respite. He went 
off to find the rest of the Guard in order to set up next week's Lum-watch 
schedule.

* * *

Sugoi had a major dilemma. That is, she wasn't old enough to drive yet, 
and I don't mean a car. Sugoi desperately needed to get to Urusei so that 
she could finish her studies. It was so wonderful that her Manju-sama had 
finally consented to marry her, all she had to do was to fulfill one 
simple requirement. It would be a shame if their love was foiled because 
she couldn't get transportation. She considered asking her brother, but 
his flying always made her nervous. 

She saw Ran apparently selling something from a stand on the sidewalk. 
Sugoi reached into a pocket and pulled out what change was there, two 
galactic credits and half a grok. It was all the money she had in the 
world. Ran wouldn't even let her in the door of her ship for that much. 
Sugoi's only solution was Lum. She soon spotted Lum flying over to the 
Moroboshi house with Ataru in tow. Sugoi headed for them and caught them 
as they were landing.

"Lum-sempai!" Sugoi called as she landed.

"Sugoi-chan!" Ataru yelled and threw open his arms. "I knew you couldn't 
live without me!" He rushed Sugoi, but Lum caught his collar and gave him 
a firm zap. 

"What can I do for you?" Lum asked pleasantly, after satisfying herself 
that Ataru would be immobilized for a minute or two.

Sugoi looked at the smoking remains for a second, wishing that she had the 
kind of power that Lum had. "I need to go to Urusei," she said.

"Why tell me? Can't your brother take you?"

Sugoi was twiddling her thumbs nervously. "I need to actually get there. I 
want to finish school and get my diploma."

"Well it's about time! You should have finished long ago."

"I know, I know," Sugoi admitted, "but now I have a reason."

Lum studied Sugoi, wondering what the reason was. "Does this have 
something to do with Megane?"

"Yes! I mean no! I mean, it's important that I graduate, isn't it?"

"I don't know why you are interested in Megane," Ataru said suddenly 
behind Sugoi, running his finger up her back. "He's so fickle. I would be 
much more faithful."

Sugoi screamed, grabbed Ataru by the arm and swung him into the air.  Lum 
drew a bead on him and fired, making a direct hit. Ataru, with a smoke 
trail behind him landed behind Sugoi leaving a substantial crater.

Lum nodded to Sugoi, "We'll leave tomorrow."

"Thank you Sempai!" Sugoi squealed and flew off.

"Sugoi-chan! Don't leave me!" Ataru yelled from his crater.

Lum took him by the ear and dragged him into the house.

* * *

The next day at school while Ataru was collecting his school books to 
return home, Megane and the rest of the Guard stopped him for questioning. 
"Moroboshi!" Megane shouted, "Where is Lum today? Did you do something to 
harm her?"

Ataru gave Megane half a glance as he slung his book bag over his 
shoulder. "She took Sugoi to Urusei," Ataru said and began to make his way 
to the exit.

Megane stood briefly in stunned silence and then ran up to Ataru. "Excuse 
me, but did you say that Sugoi has left Earth?"

"Yes," Ataru said. "She said something about finally deciding to graduate."

"At last! I am free! I am free!" He was yelling and dancing around. 

Ataru thought about telling him what else he had picked up from the 
conversation, but decided against it. Ataru went home leaving Megane in 
extreme jubilation.

Megane turned to his fellows. "At last, gentlemen," he said, straightening 
up and pushing up his glasses, "we may return with full devotion to saving 
our dearest Lum from that lech, Moroboshi."

"How long do you think it will take for Sugoi to graduate?" Chibi asked.

"Hmph! As young as she is, no doubt years. Years of freedom. Years of not 
dreading the words 'Manju-sama' yelled down at me from the sky. Years of 
not having to be on the look out for her wherever I go. Years of not 
having to wake up and find her curled up next to me in bed..." Megane was 
about to continue his tirade when he heard a collective gasp. He looked 
out and saw the rest of the Guard staring at him, mouths wide open. Megane 
collected himself and coughed. "She was always fully clothed," he admitted.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and perhaps disappointment. 

"Come gentlemen," Megane said. "We have to plan for Lum's return."

* * *

A week later Megane got word through his spies that Lum had returned and 
that she could be found in the local coffee house. He contacted the Guard 
and getting dressed up went to welcome Lum back to Earth. They entered the 
coffee house and spotted Lum apparently sitting alone at one of the 
tables. "A perfect opportunity," Megane whispered to the others. "That 
wretch Moroboshi is no where to be seen."

Megane, followed by the rest of the Guard, all dressed in formal attire 
and carrying flowers, strode confidentially to Lum's table. He had managed 
to get out the words, "Welcome back to Earth, our dearest..." when he 
noticed Sugoi sitting opposite Lum. She was bent over earnestly studying a 
document which lay on the table in front of her. She looked up and 
squealed, "Oh Manju-sama you got dressed up and came to welcome me!"

Lum looked between Megane and Sugoi, realizing what was really going on by 
Megane's surprised expression, but she said nothing. 

"Oh Manju-sama," Sugoi exclaimed, "I have such happy news."

"News?" Megane said. The rest of the Guard were slowly making their way 
out of the coffee house.

"I went straight back to Urusei, and look!" she held up her diploma. "I 
graduated! I was almost done when I came over here with my brother. Once I 
met you I couldn't bear to go back and finish even for a week. It was so 
hard being away from you for so long, but now I have my diploma and we can 
get married!" Sugoi jumped up and threw her arms around his neck. "I'm 
sorry I had to go. I know that you must have missed me terribly."

Megane was frozen. His eyes stared blankly out in the distance. 

Lum stood up, and snapped her fingers in front of his eyes. She smiled. 
"Sugoi dear," she said coyly. "I think that Megane is so excited by the 
news that he is overwhelmed. I think that you had best take him home and 
give him a nice, hot bath."

"A bath?" Sugoi said stepping back nervously. "Without clothes and 
everything?"

"Of course," Lum said. "It's an Earth custom. A girl is supposed to bathe 
her man. I do it for Darling all the time."

"Earth customs are important," Sugoi said, "but I would be too 
embarrassed."

At this point Megane had come out of his shock enough to be aware of the 
conversation going on about him. He was still frozen and trying his best 
to indicate to Lum that he did not want her to continue the conversation.

"You'll have to do it sometime," Lum said, smiling at Megane's 
helplessness. "After all, you'll be married soon, now that you have 
graduated. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

Sugoi considered Megane and then nodded to Lum. Megane was able to force 
an audible gasp. Sugoi grabbed the remainder of her cinnamon roll from the 
table and swallowed it in one gulp. She then picked Megane up and carted 
him out the door.

Lum watched them go. Now if was only that easy with Darling. Lum paid the 
bill and left.