gretton@aol.com (Gretton)

My So Called LUM...

You ever have one of those days, where everything seems kinda....
surreal?  Unintentional?  As if things are slowly becoming
transparent, yet you really don't see anything behind them.  Life can
be so, like, complicated!

Ataru Moroboshi seems to make it more and more difficult for me.  I
try to put a finger on just what draws me to him.  Like, enough to
sleep in the same room as him.

Take his constant wandering eye which roams from girl to girl.  Most
women wouldn't put up with it for a second, yet I always seem to let
it go, after a shock or two.  Yet, here I stand, 100% woman for the
taking, and he turns me away as if I'm some sort of, like, leper.  I
mean, I've heard of hard-to-get, but untouchable is more like it with
him.

Anyway, it doesn't mean that we aren't, like, meant to be together.

Walking to class, the other day, I had an observation.  You know, like
a brain-storm.  Ataru was avoiding my embrace, and it was really
beginning to annoy me.  He was probably thinking of that other girl,
Shinobu.  I really despise Shinobu.  She is like, such a poser.  I bet
she isn't even a virgin.

So, back to my revelation...Ten was pulling at my hair, trying to get
my attention, and at the same time, I was pulling at Ataru's arm.
Then my former best friend, Ran, came running up, as if she was, like, 
glad to see me, or something.

Ran - Lum-chan!  Come see what I made in art class.

She was wearing her hair in that foo-foo style of hers, pink ribbons
on each side.  Her eyes quickly drifted to Ataru, who was now leaning
on a locker trying not to be annoyed at the fact that two girls were,
like, talking in front of him, and all.  

Lum - (in a hushed voice) You know how Ataru hates it when I talk to
 other people when he's around.

Ran - (batting eyes)  Hey Ataru!  How's it going?!?

Ataru - (indifferent) It's going.  (rolls his eyes)

Ten - Lum-chan.  You've got to listen to me for a sec.

Lum - (bothered) TEN!

Don't you just hate it how men, like, don't have any, like, patience!

Ten - But Lum-chan...I just saw Rei coming this way.

Rei is, like, my ex-boyfriend.  He is pretty clueless, and all, but 
he has a really nice bod.  I don't like him, anymore, but I don't
mind if he gets jealous seeing me with Ataru.

Ataru - Later.

He has a way of doing that.  Just, like, "Later."  I mean, as if I
don't even matter.

Lum - (bothered) ATARU!

Ten - Never mind him, Lum-chan.  Here come Rei!

Ran - Hey Rei!  How's it going?!?

Rei - Lum.

It was then that I had my, like, revelation.  Ataru was walking away
as Rei was walking toward me.  It was, like, when two worlds collide,
or something cosmic like that.  I just stood there, everyone's voice
mixing together into a low-pitched drone.  It only lasted a few
minutes, but it was so, like, surreal!  As if I was some character
in a book, or manga, or something.

Ten - Lum-chan.  Are you ok?

Ran - Yeah, Lum.  You look spaced.

Rei - Lum.

Lum - (dazed) I've got to get to class.

Ran - See you next period, Lum!

Ten - Bye, Lum-chan.

Rei - Lum.

I hate math.  So many formulas and theories, and all.  Like I am
expected to care, or something.  I usually daydream in Trig class.
I dream about Ataru and I getting married, and all.  I want a real
bitchin wedding.  Like, hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and have
the reception in, like, a huge field.  Kinda like Woodstock with
cake.  Ataru and his band would definitely play.  He would play
our song:  The system sucks, but you're my bitch.  That would be
great.

Sensei - Lum.  Can you answer this question for us?

Lum - (nervously) Well.  Like.  I...

Sensei - Anyone?  How about you Shinobu?

Shinobu - The cosine of y?

Sensei - Correct.

(bell rings)

Sensei - Do the problems at the end of this chapter tonight.
 Quiz tomorrow.

(class sighs)

I truly hate her because she's perfect.  I know I'm jealous of
Shinobu.  She has the perfect hair, face and body for a teen our
age.  Not that I'm ugly, but I see the way the guys check her out.
I hate the way she acts all innocent about it.  She's always moaning
about her looks, and she never dates anyone long.  Wonder why that
is she never dates anyone long?

Lum - Hey Shinobu.  Way to answer that question!

Shinobu - (blushing) Lucky guess.

Lum - Who are you kidding?  You're, like, the smartest person in the
 class.

Shinobu - I'm not that smart.

See what I mean.  She just wants me to keep complimenting her, and
all.  What a poser.

Ataru - Hey Shinobu.  How are you doing?

Shinobu - (bothered) Fine.  (rushes ahead)

Lum - Something going on between you two?

Ataru - Don't start with the jealous crap.

Lum - I'm not jealous.  It just seemed as if Shinobu didn't want
 you around, and stuff.

Ataru - Maybe it was you she was trying to get away from?!?

Lum - I'm, like, not even talking to you anymore.

Ataru - Fine by me.  (walks off)

Ran - Lum-chan!!!  Come see what I wrote in English!!!

Ten - Lum-chan.  Where's Ataru?

Rei - Lum.

Don't you hate it, like, when your about to cry, and a bunch of
people come running up.  You try to act as if everything is fine, but
their voices start to grate on your nerves.  You just want to run
away, or smash them all with a giant hammer!!!

Lum - I've got to get to class.

Ran - See you next period, Lum!!!

Ten - Bye, Lum-chan!!!

Rei - Lum.

English is my favorite class.  Yet, I hated being there at that moment.
I began to run the argument over and over in my head.  Maybe he was
just trying to be nice, and Shinobu is just a bitch?  Maybe he thought
she was my friend, and wanted me to impress me by saying, "Hello?"
Man, I can be such a jerk!!!  I'd have to apologize to him next
period.

I made my way through the hall, trying to find Ataru.  Then I saw him
standing next to Shinobu.  They were arguing, and all.  Suddenly,
Ataru leaned over and gave her a kiss.  My body was frozen in horror.
Something snapped inside of me.  Shinobu was pushing him away when
I flew over toward him.  My rage was boiling over this time.  I then
gave him about five good shocks without a word, and flew off crying.
I went to the nearest Girls room to clean myself up.  Ran-chan and
Ten found me there.

Ten - Lum-chan.  Don't cry.

Ran - Lum.  Stop crying, and come see what I built in woodshop!

Female Student #1 - Is that, like, a guy? (pointing toward Ten)

Female Student #2 - Like, let's get out of here.  Gross!

Lum - He's such a two-timing jerk!  I don't know why I decided to
 live on this planet in the first place!  I'm going home. (sob)

Ten - Let's go home, Lum-chan!

Ran - Don't leave, Lum-chan.  You're my only friend.

It's always awkward when she says that we're friends.  As if I could
trust her alone with my Darling!  My Darling who's gone and betrayed
me again.  Men can be so, like, predictable.  Then, Shinobu walked
in.

Lum - So, Shinobu, what's the deal with you and Ataru?

Shinobu - (angry)  He forced himself on me.  I can't stand him.
 Please keep him away from me.

Lum - Oh, so your too good for him?

Ran - I'm not, Lum-chan.  Can I kiss him?

Ten - All this fuss for loser Moroboshi?!?  I don't get it?

Lum - Be quiet you two.  Shinobu, why don't you have a boyfriend?

Shinobu - (shocked)  That's none of your business!

Lum - Maybe if you had someone, Ataru wouldn't be so tempted?!?

Ten - He'd probably be more tempted!

Ran - Maybe you should find a new boyfriend, Lum-chan?

Shinobu - Look, Lum.  I'm not your friend, and I don't want your
 boyfriend, so just back off.

Lum - (showing fangs) I'll back off after I kick your pretentious
 behind!!!

Ten and Ran held me back, or I'd have shocked the life out of her.
I really have to find some new friends this year.  Shinobu ran out,
the wimp.  I kinda feel sorry for her, though.  So bitter that she
would pass up a great opportunity like being with Ataru.  I really
began to miss him, so I looked for him after school.  He was with his
band friends out in the parking lot.  They always look at me as if
I'm some slab of meat.  I wish Ataru looked at me that way.  He
tried to look hurt, and all, but I know my Darling.

Lum - Ataru.  Can we, like, talk somewhere?

Ataru - I suppose.

I love sitting in his car.  I'll never need to learn how to drive
because I'll always have my Darling!  We were doing about sixty in a
thirty, when I had that ironic thought.  For, he then said, like,
the most horrific thing to me.

Ataru - Maybe we should see other people.

Lum - (acting calm)  Darling, your talking crazy talk.  Please stop
 it.

He was silent for another two minutes when he actually got up the
nerve to say it again.

Ataru - (firm) It is over, Lum.  You have to move out of my room.
 Tonight!

Lum - (rolling her tongue) DARLING!!!!!

I waited outside of Ataru's hospital room until the doctor said it was
alright to see him.  Rei, Ran and Ten were sitting with me.  I could
always count on these three to be around when I really didn't want
them to be.  Ataru's parents were also here.  They just sat across
the room glaring at me, as if it was all my fault for the accident.
I mean, Ataru had been shocked more times in heavier traffic without
incident.

Ten - Lum-chan!  Do you think Ataru is going to make it?  Can we
 leave for home if he doesn't!

Ran - Eat what I baked in Home Economics class, Lum!

Rei - Lum.  (Grabs Ran's food and eats it)

Ran - (excited) HEY!  That was for Lum!  (calm)  Do you like it?

Rei - (sobbing) Lum.

Mrs. Moroboshi - My poor son is going to die.  It is all the fault
 of that Hussy!!! (pointing at Lum)

Mr. Moroboshi - Now, now dear.  He is in good hands.

Those good hands came walking out of Darling's room with an ominous
look.

Dr. Sakura - Your son is resting now.  The danger is over.

Mrs. Moroboshi - How can you be so sure doctor?!?

Dr. Sakura - I gave him a tranquilizer after the third time he
 squeezed me.  He is no longer a danger to anyone!

Lum - (relieved) DARLING!!!

Mrs. Moroboshi - (relieved) My son!

Mr. Moroboshi - Doctor.  May we go in?

Dr. Sakura - If you'd like.  But only two at a time!

Mrs. Moroboshi -  (growls) Well, we're his parents!!!

Lum - (growls) Well, he's my DARLING!!!

Dr. Sakura - Look.  I have to go, so work it out amongst yourselves.

Mr. and Mrs. Moroboshi pulled rank, and went in to see Ataru while
I waited outside.  It, like, sucks to be young!  Anyway, Ataru
was released from the hospital by Dr. Sakura who said he required
a home environment that the hospital could not provide to aid his
healing.  I think Dr. Sakura was just trying to get rid of him.  I
wonder why?  No matter.  Ataru never did bring up that ridiculous
notion of us breaking up again.  I think he was, like, testing me!

Mr. and Mrs. Moroboshi came into our room daily to complain about
the cost of repairing Ataru's car.  They would also both accuse
Ataru of milking his injury, and his need to return from school.
Ataru tried daily to convince me to go to school without him, but I
stayed by his side.  He must really want me to succeed!

Maybe I'll be the one to get a job. and bring home the money?!?
Ataru is such a liberated guy!  What in the world should I be when
I get older?  I mean besides Ataru's wife?    Life can be so, like,
complicated!
Gretton@aol.com