"A SICK FIC" -- A frankly disturbing Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Aaron Shattuck Warning: Dark sense of humor required. Keep in mind that this is _supposed_ to be absurd. -=-=-=-=- Chapter One: Ranma and Akane: Sad, Sad, Sad! -=-=-=-=- A young, brown haired girl gets off of a bus and waves in thanks to the driver, before he zooms off. Nayami: I'm here at last! I can't wait for all those wacky adventures mom was always telling me about! Cue cheesy flashback effects. Kasumi: Oh... you want to... go to Nerima? Ummm... I don't think that's such a good idea. End flashback. Nayami: Feh... she's so overprotective. She'll stop worrying once I call from Uncle Ranma and Aunt Akane's house! Now where is it? (Scene changes to the Tendo Dojo, which seems to be in an extreme state of disrepair. Most of the windows and ceiling have been boarded up. Crashing sounds can be heard from within.) Nayami: Could... this be it? She knocks on the door and it is answered by Ranma, who has a five o'clock shadow and a contemptuous look on his face. Ranma: Yeah? Whatta you want? Nayami: Um... It's me uncle Ranma! Your niece, Nayami? Akane (from within the house): Who're you talking to?! Another one of your whores?!! Ranma (to Akane): Shut your trap, you stupid bitch! Akane (appearing in the doorway): Bitch am I?! Better than a washed up pedophile! (Slams Ranma hard with a mallet out of nowhere) How you like that, huh?! Why don't you go eat your teeth, if I'm such a lousy cook?!! Ranma (spitting out blood): It would be safer! (To Nayami) She killed her best friend with her cooking, y'know. Actually killed her. (Shakes head) She mistook the rat poison for salt. Akane (eyes tearing): You... you promised you wouldn't ever tell anyone about that! Ranma: Did I? Well fuck me! Akane (crying): Yukari! I'm so sorry, Yukari!! Ranma: Ha ha! That got you, didn't it?!! Akane (begins to savagely beat Ranma): You bastard! You goddamn bastard!! Why don't you die?!!! (Lands a hard kick to his ribs, that sends him out the doorway) Why don't you die like everybody else?!!! (Slams door.) Nayami (shocked): D-does this... Ranma: Happen often? Hell yeah! (Clutches broken ribs) This is my fuckin' life! Nayami: A-aren't you afraid... she'll kill you? Ranma: Naw, that's been done already. Listen kid, I hate t'leave you stranded, but trust me, you wanna stay as far away as possible from this house! (Winces from the intense pain) What the fuck was Kasumi thinking, anyway?! Nayami (fearfully backing away): I... I g-guess I'd better go! (Runs off.) Ranma: Yeah... you do that. (Turns his head back to the house) BOO HOO! POOR YUKARIIIIII!!!! Akane (from within): Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!! Nayami runs aimlessly from the living hell of the Tendo dojo. Nayami (thinking): Why?! Why didn't mom ever tell me? (she suddenly halts and checks pockets) I don't even have change for the phone! Where am I gonna stay?!! Nayami looks around exasperatedly, until her eyes finally fall on a cardboard box in an alleyway. -=-=-=-=- Chapter Two: They're Creepy and They're Kooky! -=-=-=-=- Gosunkugi Kichigai, a somewhat effeminate looking young man (despite deep bags under his eyes), wearing a boy's high school uniform lightly sprints down the stairs. Once at the bottom, he pauses to file his nails. Kichigai (thinking): No time for breakfast, I have to arrive at school early today, to arrange my little "meeting". (A shadowy figure begins to rise behind him, a knife in its hand) That's funny, I thought I heard something... Gosunkugi Hikaru lunges at him with the knife. Just as he is about to connect, a ribbon wraps around his neck, snapping him back. Kodachi: Ohohohohohoho! Hikaru, you're not trying to kill are son _again_ , are you? Hikaru (gasping as he tries to loosen the ribbon from his neck): B-but, honey...! I have promised my first born to Kalgara! You know it is for the greater good of... Kodachi: Silence! Enough with you and your demon queens! I don't care what kind of deals you make in your spare time, but I need Kichigai-chan for a very special purpose... Kichigai (thinking): Not this speech again. I'm outta here! (Quickly leaves.) Kodachi: I must have a successor for my important role of Head Assassin of the Ruthless Right-wing Japanese Party! Those radicals who want to help the poor would destroy this country... (Scenes of various politicians drinking tea) If not for me! (The politicians gag, choke, and die.) Kodachi looks down at her sniveling husband. Kodachi: Also, you didn't touch a bit of your breakfast. Hikaru: F-forgive me, mistress! (Thinking) I couldn't eat it, because I ran out of the antidote... Kodachi: So many offenses, looks like you'll have to be PUNISHED! Hikaru: No... please... I'll be late for work... * * * Scene shifts to a darkened room. A very creepy little girl sits on her bed, a bizarre rabbit-like doll resting in her arms. The sound of whipping can be heard from below. Gosunkugi Kowai: They're all just cattle, aren't they Bippo-san? Bippo-san: ... Kowai: Cattle... for the inevitable slaughter! Bippo-san: ... Kowai: No one made my lunch for school. * * * Scene shifts to the Furinkan High School yard. A plain looking boy begins walking towards the school building, until he is halted by the voice of Kichigai. Kichigai: I believe we have something to discuss. Boy: Huh? Kichigai: Don't play dumb with me, I remember you! Boy: Excuse me, do I know you? Kichigai grabs the boy by the neck and slams him into the gate's wall. Kichigai: I said "don't play dumb with me!" You're the one! Remember yesterday?! Boy: Gack?! Kichigai: I saw the way you looked at me! You sent it! You're the one who sent the dog to follow me! Boy (barely managing to speak): Wh-erk-at? I... gurgle... Kichigai (smiling): Well, I took care of your little "friend." (Holds up dog collar labeled "Muffins" with his other hand) Now we'll see who has the last laugh! The boy claws at Kichigai's hand. Kichigai drops him, letting him gasp for breath on the ground. The deranged boy backs up, and takes out a long metal spike attached to a length of ribbon. He begins to twirl it around. Kichigai: Prepare to die! Boy: No! I never saw you in my life! Honest! Kichigai: Is that so? The spinning begins to accelerate. Boy: Please! I'll do anything! Kichigai: Hmph! Don't make me laugh! (Suddenly has a vision of a high-priced tuxedo he saw in a shop window) ...Will you buy me some new clothes? Boy: Yes! Anything! Kichigai (smiles sweetly): Okay! Suddenly, a ragged looking Nayami begins to walk by. Kichigai's head slowly turns to see her and she is seen in slow motion, with visions of hearts and flowers behind her. Standard "instant love" music ensues. Kichigai looks dumbfounded, he then notices that he has absentmindedly let the ribbon spike go, impaling the young man he was accosting. Kichigai (looking apologetically at the dead boy): Sorry. * * * Scene changes to Nayami wandering the streets aimlessly. Nayami (thinking): I've searched and searched, but I still don't have enough for a pay phone! I tried to beg, but they all just kicked me! I guess I'll just head back to the box and rest a bit. * * * Scene changes to the interior of a small diner. Mousse sits with a vapid grin on his face, next to a very dead and slightly rotting Shampoo. Mousse: Would you like some of my teriyaki, my darling Shampoo? (Attempts to stuff some teriyaki chicken into the corpse's mouth) I'm so happy, ever sense we've gotten together! Shampoo: ... The waiter peeks his head out of the kitchen door. Waiter: Um... (Resists urge to vomit) Would you and your... wife like anything... else? Mousse: No, we're just fine, thank you! Shampoo falls backwards. Mousse (picking her up): You should be more careful, Shampoo. Shampoo: ... * * * Scene changes to Gosunkugi Kowai coming down the stairs, in her school uniform, carrying her backpack and Bippo-san. The sounds of whipping are very loud. Kowai: Someday they'll all pay. Hikaru scrambles out of the kitchen, on his hands and knees. He is wearing leather bondage gear and is covered with whip marks. Hikaru: Must escape! (Notices Kowai staring at him) Uuuuhhhh... Have a good day at school! (Scrambles out the door.) Kodachi (bursting out of the Kitchen door): Where do you think you're going?! Ohohohohoho! (Notices Kowai staring at her) Oh... Study hard, Kowai-chan. (Runs off after Hikaru) Come back here, you worm! Kowai just stares off into space. -=-=-=-=- Chapter Three: I'd Rather Push A Guy Out The Window Or Chop His Head Off With An Ax Than Sock Him In The Jaw -=-=-=-=- A scrawny, acne scarred youth, wearing a checkered yellow bandanna stalks down the streets of Nerima. He pauses and balls his hand into a tight fist. As-Yet-Unnamed-Youth (thinking): Today you die, Saotome Ranma! * * * Scene changes to a somewhat bandaged Ranma sulking in the dojo. Ranma: Fucking bitch. The doorbell rings. Akane (from afar): I'm not getting that, you transsexual moron! Ranma: Yeah, yeah... you got more small mammals you hafta fuck. (Gets up, walks to the door and opens it, revealing the As-Yet-Unnamed-Youth from earlier.) As-Yet-Unnamed-Youth: Saotome Ranma? Ranma: Who wants to know? As-Yet-Unnamed-Youth: Hibiki Nikumi. Ranma: Hibiki? Don't tell me yer... Nikumi: I assume you _are_ Saotome Ranma, right? Ranma: Yeah, but... Nikumi (taking out a pistol): Die. Nikumi fires the gun at Ranma, who dodges the bullet and wraps his legs around Nikumi, slamming him to the ground and sending the gun flying from his hand. Nikumi (struggling to break free): Let go of me, asshole! Ranma: Y'know, it seems everyone's always trying to kill me, but this is the first time anyone's used a gun. Ain't they illegal? Nikumi: Fuck you, you murdering bastard! (Tries to grab the clearly out of reach firearm.) Ranma: "Murdering?" Mind explaining? Nikumi: You killed my father! Ranma: What? That's Ryouga, right? No I didn't! Nikumi: Yes you did! Ranma (squeezing tighter): Elaborate! Nikumi: Aaaah! Fine! Just stop! Ranma loosens his grip. Nikumi: It was just a few days ago! We were all having dinner. It was Uncle Hakuchi's turn to prepare the meal. He was getting on in years and... Cue cheesy flashback effects. Scene shifts to the Unryuu dinner table. Various members of the Unryuu family are chewing on the food Hakuchi has prepared for them. Akari: That's strange... Ryoga-sama should be here by now. I hope he isn't lost again. Random Unryuu Family Member: Hey, Hakuchi (much chew chew) what pig did you slaughter? Hakuchi: Oh, the funny looking one, with the yellow bandanna... Everyone freezes. End flashback. Ranma (shocked): He turned into a pig and your uncle...? Nikumi (embarrassed): No, actually we found a cure for his curse a year ago... Uncle Hakuchi was _very_ old... Anyway, and then... Cue cheesy flashback sequence. Back to the Unryuu dinner table. Akari screams and rushes out of the room. Random Unryuu Family Member: Oh, god... I think I'm gonna be sick! Hakuchi: What? Didn't I cook it long enough? Akari runs back into the room with a shot-gun. She begins to fire wildly at everyone at the table, and then turns the gun on herself and blows her brains out. All are dead, save for Nikumi, who was hiding under the table. Nikumi crawls out, with a dumbfounded expression on his face. End flashback sequence. Ranma: So how come you're tryin' ta kill me?! Nikumi: If there's one thing my father ever taught me, it's that everything... everything bad that ever happens... is ALL YOUR FAULT!!! Akane wanders in. Akane: What the hell's going on now? Ranma: Hey, you know your dad used to sleep with her. (To Akane) Hey, didja know P-Chan was Ryouga? Huh? Didja, Akane?! Akane kicks the gun to Nikumi, who quickly grabs it and fires at Ranma. Ranma's shoulder is grazed, and he retaliates by punching the boy in the jaw. As Nikumi staggers back, Ranma gets up and swiftly kicks him in the stomach. He then picks him up and throws him hard out the door and on to concrete road. Nikumi twitches and barely manages to move his hand a bit. Ranma: And stay out! Ranma slams the door shut. Akane looks around at all the blood the two have leaked on the floor. Akane: I'm not cleaning any of this up. * * * Scene shifts to the kitchen of Kasumi's household, which Kasumi is currently pacing back and forth in. Kasumi (thinking): Oh, my... She wouldn't run away to Nerima, would she? Oh, I knew I shouldn't of told her those stories! I should inform the police of the possibility... Kasumi opens a cupboard and takes out a jar of pills. She opens the lid and pops a few in her mouth. Kasumi (a relaxed look appearing on her face): Ah, that's better. * * * Scene changes to the cardboard box, where Nayami is resting. Suddenly, she notices Nikumi dragging himself down the street toward her. Nayami (thinking): What's with this guy? It looks like he's bleeding! Nikumi (takes out gun and points it at Nayami): Get out of the box! Nayami: What?! Nikumi: I said "get out of the box!" Get out now or I'll blow your fucking head off! Nayami fearfully gets out of the box and backs away. Nikumi drags his bloody body to it and lies down. Nikumi: Now scram. Nayami: But... Nikumi (waving gun): Scram! Nayami angrily stomps off. Nayami (thinking): The nerve of that guy! How dare he... Suddenly, she notices a couple of junior high school aged boys, wearing "street punk" clothes, and toting a can of gasoline. Nayami (pointing to where Nikumi now lies): Hey, there's a bum over there! Why don't you set him on fire? Delinquent #1: All right! Delinquent #2: Cool! The two juvenile delinquents rush over to Nikumi, who is now sleeping. They quickly douse him in gasoline and light him on fire. He suddenly awakens and begins to scream. Nayami (thinking as she walks off): That felt good. Suddenly, Kichigai rushes in and picks her up in his arms, continuing to run. Kichigai: Fear not, my beloved! I have come to the rescue! Nayami: Huh? What?! Aaaaaaaah! Put me down! Kichigai: I ask for no reward, save for... a kiss. (Quickly kisses the shocked Nayami) And your hand in marriage, of course. Nayami screams and kicks him, sending them both sprawling to the ground. She quickly gets up and runs away. Kichigai (smiling as he gets up): Ah, playing hard-to-get... I'm coming, my darling! * * * Scene changes back to the immolated Nikumi. He quickly shoots the two juvenile delinquents dead and beats the flames out with their clothes. Nikumi (now singed as well as bleeding): Fucking sonuvabitch! RANMA! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!! Kowai walks past him on her way to school. She slowly turns her head, and sees him in slow motion, with hearts and flowers in the background. Cue the "instant love" music. Kowai (thinking): Such strength. Such power. Nikumi: Goddammit! As soon as I get to a hospital, I'm gonna kill that bastard! Nikumi staggers off. Kowai stares after him and a small sigh emits from her lips. -=-=-=-=- Chapter Four: Cat on a Hot Tin Okonomiyaki Grill -=-=-=-=- Ranma is aimlessly plodding through the streets. Ranma (thinking): She can go to hell if she thinks _I'm_ gonna clean all that blood! Hey, where am I? He looks around and notices a crumbling building with a sign marked "Ucchan's." Ranma (thinking): Why the hell not? She'll find an excuse to beat on me, no matter what anyway! Ranma enters "Ucchan's," the interior is only a slight improvement on the exterior. What tables remain, are covered in a thick layer of dust. Ranma: Hey! Is anybody home?! Voice From Afar: I told yooo, I don' have th' money yet! A bleary eyed Ukyou enters from some back room, she is carrying a big bottle of sake. Ukyou: If you wanna break m' legs, go ri' ahead! Ranma: Uh... It's me, Ucchan. Ukyou (squinting confusedly at Ranma): Huh? Ranma (pointing to himself): Ran-chan? Ukyou: Oh. Go t' hell. Ukyou begins to retreat back where she came from, but is halted by Ranma's voice. Ranma: Hey! What's with you, huh?! I haven't seen you for years! Ukyou: Not looong 'nough! Why don't chu go screw your abusiff wife, stoopid?! I'ff gotta failing business t' (hic) run! Ranma: Oh, are we still on that?! How can you be jealous of that stupid bitch? We're both miserable! Ukyou: Who do ya think yer talking too, eh?! Now ge' outta here 'fore I slug ya! (Takes a huge swig of sake.) Ranma: Aw, nuts. Listen, I'm a customer, okay? Get me a chicken okonomiyaki. Ukyou: We don' got okonomi-(hic)-yaki. Ranma: What?! What do you have, then?! Ukyou (contemplates a moment): ... Debts, sake... YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY! (Grabs sake bottle protectively.) Ranma (thinking): This is actually making me feel a little better! * * * Scene shifts to outside "Ucchan's". A slightly bandaged and wobbly Nikumi stares at the door. Nikumi (thinking): At last I've found you! Now you die, Saotome Ranma! (Falters) Ugh! I'm weak. I feel the need... the need... for speed! Nikumi takes out a large needle, and injects his arm. He immediately bolts upright. Nikumi: Yeah! I'm all charged up now!! Let's go!! * * * Scene changes back to the interior of "Ucchan's," where Ranma and Ukyou just glare at each other. Suddenly, Nikumi bursts in, his gun at ready. Nikumi (pointing gun at Ranma): Now DIE!!! * * * Scene changes to the deep interior of TENDO CO. A well dressed Tendo Nabiki maneuvers her way around the darkened, labyrinthine halls, until finally arriving in a huge lab room. In the room, various technicians race to and fro around a giant, evil looking robot. Gosunkugi Hikaru, his collar pulled up to cover some whip marks, is pouring over a clip board. Nabiki: How're we progressing, Gosunkugi-kun? Hikaru (snapping to attention): Oh! Tendo-san! (Looking nervously around) Fine! Fine! The automated plasmonite is just being installed now! And... (looks slyly at Nabiki and whispers) I've added an extra feature. Nabiki (skeptically): Extra? Hikaru (excitedly nodding his head in affirmation): Yes! Yes! I have invoked the patronage of the demon Azgaroth over our project! With his fiery might, it should be unstoppable! Nabiki (thinking): He's completely insane, but a good employee anyway... (Now speaking) That's just... great, Gosunkugi-kun. But have the missile composites been installed yet? Hikaru: Oh, yes! Yesterday! We worked overtime... The project should be finished ahead of schedule, at this rate! Nabiki: Excellent! We'll sell it to the highest bidder, and make a fortune! Mwahahahahahaahaha...!! Nabiki pauses and looks at Hikaru, who's attention is completely devoted to the construction of a small voodoo doll. Nabiki: Ahem! Hikaru (looking up in realization): Oh! Sorry! Nabiki and Hikaru: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... Hikaru: Cough! Cough! Er... yeah. * * * Scene shifts back to the interior of "Ucchan's". Nikumi fires repeatedly at Ranma, but gets only a series of clicking sounds in response. Nikumi: Damn, outta bullets. Ukyou bashes her sake bottle over Nikumi's head and the boy crumples to the ground. Ukyou: Hey! Nobody shou' be 'lowed toooo kill this guy, 'cept me! Got tha'?! Ranma: Dammit! I guess now _I_ gotta "dispose" of 'im! Ukyou: I suuuure 's hell ain't pickin' 'im up! Kowai: Please allow me to take care of this. Ranma and Ukyou stare at Kowai, who seems to have materialized out of nowhere. She grabs Nikumi by the shoulders and drags him out of the restaurant. Ranma and Ukyou: ... Nayami bursts into "Ucchan's." She gasps for breath and quickly looks behind her shoulder. Nayami: Good! I think I lost him! (to Ukyou) P-please! Could I use your phone?! I... I have money! (Shakily reveals two yen.) Ukyou: Phone's broken. Nayami (beginning to cry): Why?! (Sob!) Why?! Ranma: Hey, that's my niece. Hey, Ucchan, why don'tcha let'r stay here, huh? I don't think she's gotta place t'go. Ukyou: If she's yer niece... (Produces another sake bottle out of thin air and takes a huge swig) Why don'tchou take care'f 'er?! Uh?! Ranma: I got psycho bitch at home, remember?! Ukyou (contemplating): ... Will yooo fuck me if I do? Ranma (skeptically): Maybe. Ukyou: Hey, kid! Nayami stops sobbing for a moment and turns to look at Ukyou. Ukyou: Y' can stay here for 'while... Butchoo gotta let me beat on yooo a li'l! Nayami: But... Why?! Ukyou: Usss alchol- (hic)-ics like t'beat on people! Ranma (getting up and leaving): Sounds fair to me! Ranma exits "Ucchan's". Nayami looks up at Ukyou, who is grinning and cracking her knuckles. -=-=-=-=- Chapter Five: Pain With the Thousand Teeth -=-=-=-=- Nikumi blearily opens his eyes and discovers that he is in Kowai's room. He struggles to sit up. Nikumi (nursing the bruise on his head): Where am I? Kowai: You are in my home. Nikumi whips his head around to see Kowai staring at him from the edge of her bed. Nikumi: Errr... Kowai: Are you feeling better? Nikumi: Uh, yeah, sure. Shit! That fucking Saotome's gonna pay! Kowai stares at him some more. Nikumi: Uh... why am I here, anyway? Kowai blushes. Nikumi: ...? Kodachi opens the door a crack and sticks her head in. Kodachi: I thought I'd bring you a little snack, dear! (Notices Nikumi) Oh! You have a boyfriend already?! Kowai blushes. Kodachi: My little charmer! (Hands Kowai a plate of cookies) Here's some cookies, dear! I'll leave you two "lovebirds" alone! Kodachi leaves. Kowai begins dumping the cookies in a waste basket, but Nikumi snatches one. Nikumi: What're you wastin' perfectly good food for?! Kowai: I would not... Nikumi crams the cookie into his mouth. He immediately begins to gag and choke. Kowai: Mother enjoys testing her concoctions before revealing them to the public. (Hands Nikumi a small brown bottle) Here is the antidote. Nikumi downs the antidote and begins to breathe normally. Nikumi (getting up and marching towards the door): You're all crazy! I'm outta here! Suddenly, he collapses to the ground. Kowai throws away the sledgehammer she has bashed his legs with. Kowai: No... You cannot leave. * * * Scene changes to the interior of the Tendo Dojo. The blood has not been cleaned. Ranma walks in, slamming the door behind him. Akane: Where the hell have you been?! Ranma: At "Ucchan's," actually. You gotta problem?! Akane: What?! That slut?! What'd you do, fuck her?! Ranma: Maybe. Better than fucking a pig, eh? But at least that's better'n fucking you! Akane (smacking him upside the head): You bastard! Don't you ever know when to shut up?! Ranma (wiping the blood off his lips): I'm only telling the truth... Akane: You want the truth?! How about your mom, huh? Remember your mom?! Ranma (freezing): I thought I told you never to mention my mother. Akane: Why?! 'Cause you were too busy beating the shit out've some funny looking kung fu villain of the week, to notice that she had cancer, huh?! Ranma: Shut up, Akane. Akane (punches him in the gut): Yeah, you fucking hypocrite! Go fuck your slut Ukyou! See if I care! Ranma drops to the ground, clutching his stomach. Ranma (thinking): Damn, she really got me this time! Gotta think of somethin' else... Ucchan, Kasumi's kid, Ryouga's kid... guess everyone's showin' up again. (Laughs humorlessly) Hate to say it, but I wonder what old Happosai's up to... * * * Scene changes to a large theater. Happosai is strapped to an upright table, his eyes pried open. A porno movie flickers before him, with the tune of Beethoven's 5th symphony echoing from all sides. A group of doctors stand around him, occasionally inserting drops into his eyes. * * * Scene changes to the interior of a sleazy motel room. Mousse enters, carrying Shampoo in tow. Mousse: Ah, it's just you and me now, Shampoo! Mousse throws Shampoo on the bed and begins to breathe heavily. Mousse: (Haaah haaah) Yessss... Just you... and me... (Haaaah haaaah.) Mousse begins to walk slowly towards Shampoo, removing his robe. A little man with a pointy hat and full beard, wearing a frilly dress suddenly appears. Chippy the Transvestite Gnome: Hey, folks! This is Chippy the Transvestite Gnome! Now, some of you might be wondering, just why Shampoo here's dead and all! So let's turn the clock waaaaay baaaaack... Cue cheesy flashback effects. The scene shifts to a sterile hospital room. Cologne lies in the bed, hooked to a life support system, with an IV in her arm. Chippy: Y'see, eventually Cologne, who was freakishly old, had to be hooked up to life support just to survive! She's still conscious, though... There's a sound of rapid beeping from afar, followed by a continuous "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep." Chippy: That's Ranma's mom dying aaallll alone in the next room. (Waves) Bye-bye, Saotome-san! Anyhow, Shampoo comes to visit Cologne, see? Shampoo bursts in the door, tears in her eyes. Shampoo: Great-grandmother! Cologne (forcing a smile): How I hoped you wouldn't have to see me like this, Shampoo... Shampoo (hugging Cologne): Oh, great-grandmother! What does Shampoo have to do to make you well again?! Cologne (reluctantly): Well, there is a technique... But it requires... (Whispers into Shampoo's ear.) Shampoo looks shocked at first, but then her face is steeled in resignation. She begins taking off her clothes. Chippy (eyes bugging out): Wooah! This is unexpected! Various articles of clothing fly by and Chippy has to scramble to dodge them. Cologne and Shampoo begin to make moaning sounds as they do... whatever it is they're doing. Chippy: Damn, this is awkward. I don't know if a should feel turned on or just throw up. In the midst of their... activities, Shampoos neck gets caught around Cologne's IV. She slips and falls to the ground, the IV asphyxiating her and killing her instantly. The IV is pulled from Cologne's arm, removing her only source of nourishment. She dies within hours, the steady "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" of her heart rate unnoticed by self-absorbed medical staff. Chippy (mopping brow with a washcloth): Whew! Boy am I glad that's over with! Mousse bursts into the room. Mousse: Shampoo! Aren't you done visiting yet?! Mousse trips and lands on the dead and naked Shampoo. Mousse: Shampoo? At last you have accepted me! (Embraces the corpse.) Chippy: Okay, that's enough of that! End flashback. Scene shifts back to the sleazy hotel room. Mousse lies in bed with Shampoo, a cigarette in his mouth. Chippy: And that's the story folks! Oh, by the way... Help me!!! I've been enslaved by this crazy author!!! He makes me...!!!! Suddenly, a huge hand grabs Chippy and pulls him away. Bad Chippy. * * * Scene changes to Kowai's room. Nikumi is strapped to the bed with bungee cord, and Kowai begins to advance on him menacingly with a soldering iron. Kowai: I will show you the extent of my true love. Nikumi: Noooo! What the hell are you doing?!! Kowai: Hey, I'm skipping school for this. Kowai pokes an exposed portion of his leg with the iron. He begins to scream as smoke arises from it. Kowai takes the iron off and bits of melted skin come off with it, leaving a deep red mark. Nikumi: You fucking little bitch! I'll kill you!!! Kowai: Feel the hot touch of my love. Kowai rams the soldering iron on his chest. More screaming ensues. * * * Scene shifts to the Gosunkugi household's kitchen. Kodachi is whistling a merry little tune while pouring various canisters labeled with skulls and crossbones into a big steaming pot. Nikumi's screaming from upstairs can be heard. Kodachi (thinking): Hah! This'll _taste_ like strychnine, but the antidote for it won't work! At last I can kill that husband of mine, collect the insurance, kill Akane, and remarry to Ranma-sama! (Looks slightly repentant) I'll miss subjugating him to my tortures, but he'll be better off dead anyway! He'll get to spend _all_ his time with his demons! * * * Scene changes back to Kowai's room. Nikumi is breathing heavily and covered with red welts. Kowai takes out a pair of pliers. Kowai (blushing and thinking): He's so cute when he writhes in pain! Nikumi (thinking): This is all Saotome's fault, right? * * * Scene shifts back to Kodachi adding more poisons to the mix and humming, as horrible cries erupt from upstairs. She turns on the TV to drown them out, and a news reporter appears on it. Behind him are scenes of various police and hospital vehicles arriving at an army headquarters. Reporter: Here is the scene, where famed author Tatewaki Kuno and his group of fanatical followers, had reportedly taken the Leuitenant General of the Ichigaya Headquarters of the Japanes Self Defense Force hostage at sword point. The critically acclaimed author then attempted to gain the approval of the forces stationed there, with a rousing speech on traditionalism and the evil of western corruption of culture. Disappointed by the negative reaction, Kuno-san has recently committed seppuku... Kodachi: Silly brother! * * * Scene changes to Kasumi's house. Kasumi sits nervously, and then springs up when the phone rings. She quickly picks it up. Kasumi: Yes?! Have you found her?! Kasumi's Husband: No, this is your husband. Kasumi,... um... I don't know how to put this, but... I'm leaving you for my secretary! Bye! Kasumi hangs up the phone, with a vacant look on her face. Kasumi: Oh... Oh my... Kasumi takes out the jar of pills and gulps down the whole thing. * * * Scene changes to the spare room at "Ucchan's". Nayami lies wide awake, covered in bruises. Nayami (thinking): It's no use... I can't sleep. I'm in too much pain. She gets up and begins to creep towards the door. Nayami (thinking): Might as well take a walk. * * * Scene changes to Kowai's room. Exhausted from her torturing, Kowai is taking a nap. Nikumi struggles to loosen the bungee cord. Eventually, he is able to slip free. Nikumi (thinking): I'm booking this freak show! He runs at a dizzying pace out of Kowai's room, down the stairs, and out the door. Nikumi (continuing to run down the street and thinking): Free! Free! Ouch! Free! * * * Scene changes to Nayami plodding depressively through the streets. Suddenly, Nikumi rams right into her and the two fall back onto the pavement. Nayami: Owwwwww... Hey! You're the guy that stole my box! Nikumi: Dammit! Huh?... Oh, you... You were better off without it. These two bastards set me on fire! Nayami (feeling remorseful and somewhat woozy from pain) Errr... Sorry... Say, what's your name? Nikumi (surprised at the change of social atmosphere): Huh? Oh, Nikumi... Hibiki Nikumi. (Confused, he goes completely against his nature and helps her up) What's yours? Nayami: Nayami... and... Suddenly, Kichigai bursts into view. Running towards Nayami. Kichigai: I've found you, darling! (Notices Nikumi and stops short) How dare you force yourself onto her, you womanizing Lothario?!! Kichigai takes out his ribbon-spike and begins running toward Nayami and Nikumi. Taking the hint, they scream and run. Kichigai: Come back here! Nayami and Nikumi: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! * * * Scene changes to a long line outside a movie theater. Nayami and Nikumi rush past. A few seconds later, they are followed by an enraged Kichigai, who pauses to look at the line. Kichigai: What's everybody waiting for? Random Theater Goer #1: We're here to see "Titanic!" RTG #2: I've seen it fifty times! RTG #3: I've seen it seventy! RTG #4: Leonardo DiCaprio is such a hunk! Kichigai: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! (Begins swinging his ribbon-spike around, impaling the movie patrons left and right as they futilely attempt to escape) Die! Die! Diediediediediediediediediediediedie!!!! Eventually, the entire line of people has been transformed into a bloody mesh. Kichigai pants in exhaustion a bit, but then regains his composure. Kichigai: I might be a psychotic homicidal maniac, but at least _I_ have taste! Kichigai runs off in pursuit of Nayami and Nikumi. * * * Scene changes to the TENDO CO secret lab. Technicians scramble to complete the gargantuan mechanical monstrosity, while Nabiki sits in a lawn chair, fanning herself. Hikaru brings her coffee. Nabiki: Aren't you done, _yet_? I have an appointment with my hair stylist tomorrow. Hikaru: We're working as fast as we can, Tendo-san! It's just... two of our crew have already died! Nabiki: Excuses, excuses. (Grabs coffee and takes a sip) I'm not paying you people to slack off! * * * Scene changes to a park. Nayami and Nikumi run a bit more through it, before finally pausing for breath. Nayami: I think we (gasp pant) lost him! (Gasp!) Nikumi: (Gasp!) Maybe... I (wheeze) need a "booster shot." (Produces long needle and injects it into his arm) Ohhhhh, yeah! Nayami (staring at him): Ummmmm... Nikumi (smiling): Just my little "helper!" (Sitting on a park bench) Shit, I wish I never came here. It's not worth it. Now my whole life's fucked over! Nayami (sitting next to him): Yeah, I know what you mean. I... I just wish I was back home. Nikumi: Guess we're kinda the same, huh? Nayami: Yeah. * * * Scene changes to Kichigai stalking through the underbrush. He spies two shadowy figures on a park bench. They are locked in embrace and kissing. Kichigai (thinking): That bastard! (Swings the ribbon-spike forward, impaling the two heads) DIE!!! Kichigai moves into the light, and the two dead figures are revealed to be Hiroshi and Daisuke. Kichigai: Oh, dammit! I'm really sorry! His eyes dart back and forth, and finding no one else about, he checks the two corpses for their wallets. -=-=-=-=- Chapter Six: Death For All Measures and Occasions! -=-=-=-=- The streets of Nerima twinkle in the morning light. A purple sphere materializes and begins to grow, until it is the size of a man. Out of it steps a battle-scarred Dr. Tofu. Tofu: At last! I'm back! Ever since I was swallowed by that stray wormhole, about after the time Ranma lost his strength, there has been only one thing I've longed for! (Visions of Kasumi dart in the background) But the price paid in order to cross worlds intentionally... Oh, all those innocent babies... (Visions of a nursery full of infants covered by the shadow of Dr. Tofu) No! I refuse to think of it! Anything to be with my dear, sweet Kasumi again! Akane begins to walk up the street, swinging her mallet to and fro, and muttering to herself. Akane: Goddammit! Ranma can go fuck anyone he likes! See if I care! I don't care if he fucks Kasumi's kid, even! Tofu (thinking): "Kasumi's... kid?" That would mean...! Akane's mallet hits a nearby building, dislodging large chunks of concrete that fall, crushing Dr. Tofu underneath. Akane walks by, oblivious. * * * Scene changes to Kowai's room. The little girl is awakening and is surprised by the lack of Nikumi's presence. Kichigai enters the room. Kichigai: I can't believe it, sis! I finally found my one true love, and now this bandanna wearing geek's trying to steal her away from me! Kowai: Who? Kichigai: My brown haired goddess! This plebeian with a bandanna's forcing himself on her! Kowai: Bandanna? Kichigai: Dammit, I've gotta lie down. (Leaves room.) Kowai (thinking): So, a painted Jezebel has stolen him from me. (Speaking now) They must pay. But how, Bippo-san? Bippo-san: ... Kowai: No, that would never work. From below, the sound of Hikaru entering can be heard. Hikaru: Honey, I'm home! We've finally finished the DEATHROBOT2000! Kodachi: That's wonderful, dear! Why don't you have something to _eat_ in celebration? Hikaru: No thanks, I'm too tired. Hey, remind me that my pass card is on the end table, in case I forget, okay? Bippo-san: ... Kowai: Yes... I was thinking the very same thing. * * * Scene changes to the streets of Nerima, where a van suddenly pulls up, screeches to a halt, throws Happosai out, and drives away. A crowd forms around him. Crowd: Oh no! It's that perverted old man! Run away! Happosai: No! I've been reformed! I... (Sees a few women's ankles and has to resist the urge the throw up.) Crowd: Huh? What's that? Happosai: Yes! I can't even think about fighting or pretty ladies anymore, without becoming violently ill! (A single tear rolls from his eye.) Voice From the Crowd: Is that so? The crowd begins to chuckle. Many people crack their knuckles. Happosai: Uh, oh... Scene pans from Happosai being violently beaten, to the exterior of TENDO CO. Kowai enters, using her father's electronic pass card. Kowai: Now is the time of truth, Bippo-san. Bippo-san: ... * * * Scene changes to Nayami and Nikumi waking up from a night spent on a couple of park benches. Nayami: Owwwwww... I hate my life. Nikumi: Hey, did you hear something? Suddenly, the DEATHROBOT2000 appears on the horizon, crushing pathetic human habitats underfoot as it enacts its role of ultimate destruction. Kowai (over the DEATHROBOT2000 speaker system): PEOPLE OF NERIMA. HELL HATH NO FURY AS A WOMAN SCORNED. BRING FORTH THE PAINTED JEZEBEL WHO SEEKS TO STEAL MY LOVE, OR YOU SHALL ALL DIE. Scene changes to interior of DEATHROBOT2000's cockpit. Kowai sits, her legs dangling from the oversized chair, sipping on a small bottle of orange juice. Kowai: We'll give them some time to see reason, Bippo-san. Bippo-san: ... A few seconds go by. Kowai: Okay. That's enough. DIE. The DEATHROBOT2000 begins firing its missiles, destroying entire sections of Nerima in a fiery blaze. The machine seems to glow with a hellish light, as it marches through town. It bumps into "Ucchan's," sending a wooden board falling down upon the proprietor, crushing her legs instantly. Hikaru stands with his mouth gaping, next to Nabiki and Kodachi. Nabiki: Gosunkugi-kun, why is it that our top secret robot is destroying the town? Hikaru: Uh... Uh... Kowai (over the DEATHROBOT2000 speakers): AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR HERE? Kodachi: My, that sounds like Kowai-chan. Nabiki: "Kowai-chan?" Kodachi: Yes! Our daughter! Nabiki: Is that so? Hikaru: Uh... Uh... Mousse drags Shampoo along through the fleeing crowd. Mousse: This way, Shampoo! Suddenly, the DEATHROBOT2000 steps on him and his deceased lover, grinding them both to a meat jelly. Scene changes to interior of the DEATHROBOT2000 cockpit. A small ball of fire floating in front of Kowai, begins to grow. Kowai: Um... Is it supposed to do that? Suddenly, the ball shoots a tower of flame upwards. Scene changes to the tower of flame rising to the sky. The tower then branches off into ten streams that shoot off in the directions of major countries. The lights of their incredible impacts can be seen on the horizon. The DEARHROBOT2000 shuts down, its power spent. Scene changes to interior of the DEATHROBOT2000 cockpit. Kowai: Darn. We'd better leave, Bippo-san. Scene changes to a small escape pod being jettisoned from the back of the DEATHROBOT2000. Scene shifts to Nabiki, Hikaru, and Kodachi staring at the wreckage. Behind them, several TV's light up with a sudden interruption. News Guy: This just in! Several major countries, blaming Japan for devastating nuclear attacks, have declared WORLD WAR! We bring you to... Kodachi: Husband, it seems that you have let our daughter start Armageddon. Hikaru: But... but... Kodachi: Looks like someone needs to be _punished_! Kodachi drags off a protesting Hikaru, while Nabiki stands with her mouth wide open. * * * Scene shifts to the interior of Nabiki's apartment. She is packing a suitcase. Nabiki: Time for "Francesca Demalray" to start her new life in Tahiti! Creepy Voice From the Shadows: It is time for the payment. Nabiki: What?! A lanky, reptilian monster steps into the light. Steam rising from its jaws. Azgaroth: Azgaroth demands payment for services rendered... I will swallow your soul! Nabiki: DAMMIT, GOSUNKUGI!!! Sounds of ripping flesh are heard throughout the city. * * * Scene changes to a slightly bandaged Happosai changing his clothes in some back room. Happosai: I'm not going to let this little setback make me late for my new job! Happosai finishes dressing, revealing his clothes to be that of a priest. Happosai: Okay! Happosai walks out of the back room and into his new church. * * * Scene changes to Hikaru nursing his wounds on his and Kodachi's bed. Suddenly, a little red man with horns, wearing a business suit appears in a puff of smoke. Little Red Man: Hey, Hikaru-kun! Hikaru: Aaah! LRM: Hey, it's just me, your old pal Rektok! Hikaru: Phew! For a second there, I thought you were my wife in a new... outfit. Rektok: I don't wanna know... Anyhow, I'm afraid Kalgara's getting a little impatient. Hikaru: I'm trying! Honestly I am! Rektok: I don't doubt it, but... look, she likes you... Heck, I like you! You're my kinda guy! But this is business, yes? Hikaru: Please! Isn't there anything I can do? Rektok: Well... Maybe if you gave her something to tide her over... Hikaru: Yes! Anything! Rektok: Okay, buddy! I'll talk to her. Good luck! Rektok disappears in a puff of smoke. Hikaru (taking out an ornate sacrificial knife): I know what I must do. * * * Scene changes to Akane entering a hospital. Akane (thinking): So this is where Ukyou is... I'll take care of that bitch, once and for all! Akane enters Ukyou's room. Ukyou lies in bed, a sheet covering her mangled lower body. Next to her is a cooler. Akane (bending over Ukyou, holding a mallet behind her back): Hellloooooo, Ukyou. Ukyou (grinning and reaching into the cooler): Helllooooooo, Akane. Say, since you're here, why don't you have some (pulls out a fist of frozen okonomiyaki) OKONOMIYAKI?! Ukyou begins stuffing the frozen okonomiyaki down Akane's throat. She desperately tries to dislodge the food, but Ukyou continues to cram more in there. Ukyou: Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Akane finally suffocates and collapses dead on the floor. Ukyou: Hahahahaha! Take that! Damn, I need a drink. * * * Scene changes to Kodachi taking her poisonous concoction out of its Tupperware container. Footsteps are heard. Kodachi: Is that you, darling? Why don't you have some _dinner_?! Hikaru lunges at her with knife, slicing her neck cleanly. Hikaru: Sorry, dear. I love you, but you _don't_ want to cross Kalgara. Kodachi's lifeless body falls to the floor. * * * Scene changes to Nikumi and Nayami standing by a newsstand. Nikumi is perusing through a paper which headline reads, "WORLD WAR III APPROACHING!" Nayami: I can't believe we survived! I feel like this is a living nightmare! Nikumi: Well, there's plenty a' people worse off than us. Check this out... Some housewife named Kasumi OD'd on happy pills and died yesterday. Nayami's eyes bug out. * * * Scene changes to the interior of the Tendo Dojo. Ranma is pacing back and forth. Ranma (thinking): I wonder when that bitch is gonna get back. Dammit! Ever since our marriage's gone to hell, I've felt a need for... release! But I can't have an affair with anyone, she'd find out an' kill me for sure! Suddenly Katsunashiki, the Unryuu Pig Farm's prize sumo pig wanders in, sniffing the trail of Nikumi. Katsunishiki (thinking): I must find him! As the last surviving member of the Unryuu clan, he is my rightful master! Ranma sees the pig and an idea suddenly forms in his mind. He begins to lick his lips and walk towards Katsunishiki. * * * Scene changes to Happosai entering the church. His presence becomes known to the small congregation of young altar boys. Altar Boy #1: Hey! That guy stole my mom's underwear! Altar Boy #2: Let's get 'im! The altar boys swarm on Happosai and begin to savagely beat him. Happosai: No! Wait! Aaaaaaah!!! A few of them take some of the lit candles and scorch him. They smoosh holy wafers in his eyes and ram a cross down his throat, as they continue to rip him to bits. Altar Boys: Kill the pig! Bash her in! Spill her blood! Kill the pig! Happosai convulses slightly, then lies still for all eternity. * * * Scene changes to outside the Tendo dojo. Katsunishiki bursts out the doors, crying. He runs right into the street and gets hit by a truck and dies. The voices of Akane and Ranma can be heard from within the dojo. Ranma: Dammit, Akane! You fucked a pig again! Akane: You fucked Ukyou! Ranma: Did not! Akane: Liar! Sounds of smacking ensues. * * * Scene changes to the newsstand. Nayami lies sobbing on the ground, with Nikumi trying to comfort her. Nayami: Nooooo! (Sob! Sob!) Nikumi: Let's get outta here. Nayami: What? Nikumi: Let's get the hell outta this town. We don't need bus fair, we can walk. Anyplace... anyplace is better than this. Nayami: But what about your (sniff) vengeance? Nikumi: I don't need to kill Saotome, he's already in hell. Nayami: O-... kay. Nikumi: All right, let's go! Just let me take another hit. (Pulls out huge needle and injects it into his arm.) The two begin to run down the street. They eventually arrive at the empty field behind Furinkan High School, when a familiar voice stops them. Kichigai: Well, well... What do we have here? Nayami and Nikumi slowly turn to see their dreaded pursuer. Nikumi: Dammit, if only... Nikumi suddenly spies a bullet lying in the grass. Nikumi: What luck! He reaches for it, but then halts. A long spike has been embedded in his neck. He falls and Nayami screams. * * * Scene changes to outside the Tendo Dojo. Ukyou, confined to a wheel-chair, wheels her way to the entrance. She begins to knock, which opens the door. Ukyou: Ranma?! You's there?! I kill'd (hic) Akane!! We cen fuck now!!! Ranma enters, his hair done in Akane's short style, and wearing her old school uniform. He is also wielding her mallet. Ranma: I AM Akane! DIE, SLUT!!! Before Ukyou can react, Ranma beats her to a bloody pulp with the mallet. He swings and swings until her brains fly out and smack the wall behind her. Ranma: Now it's YOUR TURN, Ranma!!! Ranma begins to beat himself with the mallet. He continues to smash it on his head, until he can move no more. The blood of the two corpses spread outwards to cover the floor. * * * Scene changes to the Furinkan field. Kichigai cackles, his foot on the corpse of the fallen Nikumi. Nikumi seems to be spurting a lot of blood, most likely due to his abuse of stimulants. Kichigai: Mwahahahahahaha! I have freed you, my beloved! He offers his hand to Nayami, who is in a state of shock and can only hyperventilate and stare. Kowai: What is this? Kichigai whips his head around to see his sister, who seems to have appeared out of nowhere. Kichigai: What's up, sis? Kowai removes the gun from her beloved's person and loads the bullet he found into its chamber. Then she quickly shoots her brother right in the heart and he falls dead. Kowai: Yes. I have killed my brother. Ha. Ha. Ha. Hikaru arrives on the field running, with the sacrificial knife in his hand. Seeing the scene before him, he stops short and begins panting and wheezing. After a few minutes, he is able to speak. Hikaru: What have you (gasp pant wheeze) done?! Kalgara's gonna be sooooooo pissed!!!!! Kowai: Sorry. Hikaru: Good thing I have a back-up plan! Come on! I need your help! Kowai: Okay. Kowai looks sorrowfully at Nikumi's dead body, then throws away his gun and follows her father out of the field. Nayami continues to stare and hyperventilate. An hour later, she arises. Nayami: I... can't... take it! Nayami runs to the Tendo Dojo. She steps over the messy corpses of Ranma and Ukyou, and eventually finds the bath. She fills it with water, finds a razor (unused by Ranma), slits her wrist and jumps in. She closes her eyes and waits for death to take her. Some time later, she opens her eyes again, and realizes she's not dead. Nayami (thinking): Huh?! The wounds healed?! But... Aaaaaah!!! This' cold water!!! Embarrassed at her stupidity, Nayami climbs out. Suddenly, a revelation hits her. Nayami (thinking): Wait! I... I don't wanna die! Not really! It's just... There's so much pain! But maybe... maybe I can do something to help with that pain! Yes! If this lousy world won't fix itself, I will! She burst out the door, feeling reborn in the cool night air. -=-=-=-=- Epilogue -=-=-=-=- Nayami contracts pneumonia and dies. With his daughter's help, Hikaru implants his brain into a cyborg, in order to escape Kalgara's wrath. Unfortunately, he never came up with a way to attach his brain to anything in the robot, so it just sits there and rots. Eventually, Gosunkugi Kowai is able to use the mass confusion of the third World War to her advantage, and goes on to take over the entire world, which she now holds under her iron fist. All hail the great Gosunkugi Kowai!!! -=-=-=-=- Prologue [which, by definition, is supposed to come _before_ anything else, but I decided to put it at the end, just to be really avante garde!] -=-=-=-=- Genma turned into his panda form to frolic in the woods. There, he was shot and killed by poachers, who made him into a coat. Soun, distressed by the news of his friend's death, ended up drowning in his own tears. Konatsu tried to get a sex-change operation, but lack of sufficient funds caused him to seek the services of a mad scientist, who turned him into a giant, fire breathing silver-fish instead. He was able to destroy Tokyo Tower before combined armed forces brought him down. Meanwhile, Mikado became a serial rapist. He destroyed the lives of many women before finally contracting the AIDS virus and dying. His partner, Azusa, was on the seen of Konatsu's fall, and decided a certain hand grenade was "Soooooo cute!" Tsubasa, another person party to this event, made the mistake of disguising himself as a nuclear warhead. The Dojo Destroyer molested those two kids who thought Happosai was Santa Clause (they didn't survive the incident), before his own great weight crushed his legs and he bled to death. His passing was celebrated by the few unfortunate enough to know him. Herb, Lime and Mint learned to late that wolverines _don't_ make good wives. Hinako-sensei bought a rather and tight necklace and was asphyxiated the next time she absorbed delinquent ki. What happened to the Furinkan High Principal is too horrible to mention. I get sick just thinking about it. -=-=-=-=- Credits to be overlaid with scenes of Chippy the Transvestite Gnome doing a merry little jig over the corpses of all the characters that died, which is almost all of them, to the sounds of Nick Cave's "The Curse of Milhaven." * * * Written by Aaron Shattuck Edited by Chippy the Transvestite Gnome Cast: Tendo Akane Tendo Nabiki Tendo Kasumi Tendo Soun Saotome Ranma Saotome Genma Kounji Ukyou Konatsu Gosunkugi Hikaru Kuno Tatewaki Kuno Kodachi Kuno... Principal Happosai Cologne Shampoo Mousse Mikado Azusa The Dojo Destroyer Those Two Kids Who Thought Happosai Was Santa Clause Kurenai Tsubasa Unryuu Akari Hibiki Ryouga and Katsunishiki are all property of Takahashi Rumiko and are used without any permission whatsoever Gosunkugi Kowai Gosunkugi Kichigai Hibiki Nikumi Nayami Unryuu Hakuchi Rektok Azgaroth and The Evil Altar Boys are mine, not that anyone else wants them Kalgara and all that stuff about Gosunkugi having to sacrifice his first born comes from a movie called "Sorceress." This is perhaps one of the worst movies of all time. I got it in a "Three For A Dollar" sale at this used bookstore, when the owner died. For all I know, I own the sole copy. At the moment, I'm still working on a MST3King of this. Special Thanks to Chippy the Transvestite Gnome, for his commentary and years of loving support. He was just joking about that "enslavement" thing. Honest. I'm sorry if anyone was traumatized by this. For those who haven't been completely turned off by the mere mention of my name, I'm planning on making my next fic in prose format. For some reason I got obsessed with the phrases "Scene Changes" and "Scene Shifts" in this format, so I'm making sure I _can't_ use them at all for next time. It won't be outrageously camp, like this thing, but will probably have some elements of dark humor in it, anyway. I know this is too short for chapters, but I just felt like making constant references to show how well read I am. Of course, I completely contradict myself in this, by writing something with no literary value whatsoever. And, come to think of it, I did them all off of memory, so I probably screwed 'em all up, anyway. C&C, flames, and threats of impending doom are welcome at dilandau2@hotmail.com. I saw a pig today.