"And Death shall have no dominion..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Urusei Yatsura: I Believe Them Bones Are Me Written by: David Tai Based on characters by Rumiko Takahashi ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Moroboshi hallway. Ataru Moroboshi is on the phone.] Ataru: ... Ok, if you don't want to go to the pool, how about the fair? [Pause. Lum floats silently into the hall, and listens.] Ataru: Well, don't worry about your boyfriend. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? [pause. Lum strains to listen.] Ataru: Lum? Forget her. She's not around. So, shall I pick you up in 15 minutes? [*ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!*] Ataru: [smoking] Never mind. [Collapses.] Lum: Darling. You idiot. Ataru: [Getting up.] Hey, can't a guy have any privacy? Lum: I'm your wife! Ataru: Listen, Lum... [Collapses.] Lum: Darling? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [Hospital room. A doctor is talking to Mr. and Mrs. Moroboshi, with an anxious Lum and Ten listening. Ataru is ogling the pretty nurse that's rearranging the other beds.] Doctor: This is very unusual. I have never seen anything like it. Mrs. Moroboshi: Seen what? Doctor: His skeleton seems to be decaying at an incredible rate. Mr. Moroboshi: What? Doctor: Yes. At this rate, his skeleton will essentially become jelly within a year. Mrs. Moroboshi: What do you think is causing it? Doctor: Well, usually long continuous exposure to strong magnetic fields will cause something like that, but I haven't seen anything THIS extreme... [*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!*] [Ataru, burned yet again, is lying prone, his hand just shy of the nurse's butt.] Lum: DARLING! Stop fooling around with other women! Doctor: Amazing. I presume she's been doing this very often? [The Moroboshis nod in unison.] Doctor: Well, this will certainly cause deterioration of the skeleton. I'm afraid that this is beyond earthly science. We can't simply put in a new skeleton like [snaps fingers] that. I'm afraid Ataru will be dead within a year. Lum: Oh no! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [Ataru's room. Ataru's lying on his futon, snoring away. Lum and Ten are hovering over Ataru.] Lum: Poor Darling. [puts her head down. Then she raises it again.] Wait! Ten, our MediDoc on the ship... would it work? Ten: Lum, you're not thinking of trying THAT? It works for Onis, but for this idiot... Lum: We can try it! C'mon, grab Darling. [Lum grabs Ataru's arms. Ten picks up the feet. They start flying out the window before realizing:] Ten: Hey, he's stretching! Lum: Oh no! His skeleton is atrophying faster! [They spend a few minutes trying to gather him in. They lift him by the back, only to have the back flop in half. Ataru wakes up.] Ataru: [yawns] Oh, morning, Lum. [turns over, which proves to be a mistake, as his neck stretches.] YAAAAH! Why're my feet in my face?! Lum: You're folding! Ten: Hey, waitasec... Lum, put him back on the futon! [They drop Ataru, who is screaming. Ten then picks up one end of the futon.] Lum: Oh! [Lum picks up the other end of the futon, and the two Onis fly up to Lum's UFO, ignoring the screaming Ataru.] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [Aboard the UFO. Lum is pushing buttons on a giant contraption looking nothing more than a large blender.] Lum: Ok. I've reprogrammed this for reconstruction of skeletons. Put him in. [Ten pours a bucket of liquid into the blender. Ataru's voice can be heard from the liquid.] Ataru: LUM! Lum: Ok, let me see... here. [Presses "Run" button.] [The computer starts running. The first skeleton it gives Ataru is a saber-tooth tiger's skeleton. Ataru now looks like Fangface.] Lum: Huh? What's wrong? [She starts reprogramming the computer. In short order, Ataru has become a panda, a penguin, a fishy alien in a bubble suit, an elephant, a rabbit, a monkey, a wolf, a dolphin, a chimpanzee, and various other animals. Finally, the computer gives up in exasperation, blinking a bright red message on the screen.] Lum: What IS this? No human skeletons? [Lum reads the computer screen. "No other Earth intelligent life exists."] Ten: As I always suspected... Lum: Oh, drat! I forgot- we never updated Homo Sapiens! Ten: So what now? Lum: Well, we'll have to scan a human and program the info in. Come on! [Lum and Ten leave the compartment. Ataru is left in the blender.] Ataru: GET ME OUT OF THIS! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [Tomobiki High. Lum is talking to the usual gang.] Mendou: You want to use MY skeleton? Lum: Well, I need a young person so Darling doesn't get old bones. The MediDoc will only fix Darling's skeleton if it knows how human skeletons are made up. So, I need to scan one of you. Mendou: I cannot do it, not even for you, Miss Lum. I am NOT about to let Moroboshi walk around with MY skeleton! Megane: Neither am I! [The stormtroopers shout agreement. Lum looks ready to cry. Shinobu steps forward.] Shinobu: So basically, if we don't, Ataru will be a puddle for life? Lum: Y-yes. Shinobu: Well, as tempting as that may be, I can't leave Ataru this way. Fine, I volunteer. Lum: You will? Oh, Shinobu, I take back half the mean things I said about you! Shinobu: No problem. I'll do it out of the goodne- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HALF?! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [Lum's UFO. Shinobu is standing on a pad, with a beam surrounding her.] Lum: All done. You can get off now. [She starts programming the MediDoc.] [Shinobu gets off. She walks up to the blender. Ataru is staring balefully.] Shinobu: Well, Ataru, you've done it this time, haven't you? Ataru: Me? I did NOTHING! It was THAT Oni-girl! Lum: All done. Shinobu, step back. We'll see how the MediDoc does. [Shinobu steps back.] Lum: START! [Lum presses the "Run" button. A cylinder comes down, blocking the view of Ataru. Howls begin coming inside the blender. Shinobu gasps.] Shinobu: Are you sure this is safe? Lum: Yes. It's just inserting a new skeleton in him. [After scintillating lights and piercing howls, the machine stops. The cylinder goes up, and the blender opens. Ataru steps out...] Shinobu: [joyfully] ATARU! [... and falls down.] Lum: Darling?! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [The hospital examination room. Shinobu, Lum, Ten, and the Moroboshis are waiting with Ataru, who's lying in bed. The doctor walks in with a handful of x-rays.] Doctor: Well, I'm amazed. He's definitely got a new skeleton. Mr. Moroboshi: Well, then, why can't he walk? Doctor: Well, he CAN walk. He just has to walk a little differently, that's all. Shinobu: What do you mean, differently? Doctor: Well, it seems that Miss Lum's ... "Medidoc" installed the wrong skeleton. Ataru: What the- Lum, didn't you say HUMAN skeleton? Lum: I did! Doctor: Well, your skeleton IS human. However, uh... x-rays show your pelvis is wider. Almost as if... Ataru: [slowly realizing] ... it was a girl's skeleton? Doctor: Yes. [Ataru is silent for a moment. Then he gets a glint in his eyes as he turns to look at Lum. Lum backs away, as Ataru jumps out of bed, and starts walking towards Lum, his hips swaying in a most... feminine fashion. Lum then takes off flying as Ataru leaps for her...] Ataru: LUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -THE END- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHOR'S NOTE Well, this was an attempt to take a break from writing Ranma stories for a little while. (Paul Gallegos and I are currently working on (ARGH!) THREE different Ranma stories at the moment. Don't know WHEN or HOW we will finish!) Title and inspiration for UY comes from Carl Horn (who basically answered my questions about U.Y. by sending me a package of info, which quickly led me to the joys of Lum... :) ) According to Carl, "I Believe Them Bones Are Me" is the first line of a song from Alice in Chains, called "Them Bones". Seems appropriate- thanks, Carl! I'll be damned if I remember where I got the idea from. I DO remember a show saying vast exposures to magnetic fields was extremely hazardous to human skeletons, but I can't remember where! Originally, I'd planned on tossing Cherry and Sakura in, but couldn't get them into the flow, and besides, this is a short, tongue-in-cheek story. Any comments/suggestions? This story is by no means final- I'm throwing this out to see if this is good enough or not. :) David Tai DJT2445@RITVAX.ISC.RIT.EDU